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Re: Joke of the week

Posted: 05 Nov 2015, 3:35 pm
by TracingEquines
Letter from ASDA to a banned customer:

Dear Bobby Cornwall.

Please note the following reasons why you are now banned from ASDA Stores in Cornwalll.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. January 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. January 24: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. February 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in House Wares..... and watched what happened.
5. February 27: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" causing injury to other shoppers.

6. March 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor department and invited shoppers in if they would bring you sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. March 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help you?, you began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. April 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked your nose, and ate it.
9. April 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House Wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were situated.

10. May 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the theme tune from "Mission Impossible"
11. May 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. May 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICKME, PICK ME!"
13. May 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:
14. June 2: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Re: Joke of the week

Posted: 13 Nov 2015, 1:53 pm
by TracingEquines
There were 3 fellas working for Cornwall Council, one would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill it in.
They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy diggin a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing so he asked the hole digger "I appreciate the effort you're putting into your work but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"

Re: Joke of the week

Posted: 28 Jan 2016, 11:56 am
by TracingEquines
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?’

Re: Joke of the week

Posted: 05 Feb 2016, 5:51 pm
by TracingEquines
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

Re: Joke of the week

Posted: 22 Feb 2016, 7:32 am
by TracingEquines
OMG…!!! I was in the public toilet – I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other
stall: “Hi, how are you?”
Me: ” (embarrassed, “Doin’ fine!”
Stall: “So, what are you up to?”
Me: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.”
Stall: “Can I come over?”
Me: (attitude) “Are you F-ing serious!!!!!!”
Stall: “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There ‘s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions”

Re: Joke of the week

Posted: 13 Oct 2017, 4:00 pm
by TracingEquines
The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.
This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the fucking collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the damn dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane fucker across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!
Even though this does sound like some bullshit I'd do, I hate to break the news that it's a copied story that gave me a good laugh so feel free to do the same.